Friday, January 3, 2014


...Eh, I don't really feel like it.

No, really though, this has long been a problem for me as a pagan, and, well, as an individual in general I suppose.  But it's something I notice more when it comes to my spiritual life.  As an LHP it's my duty(to myself, but still my duty) to keep studying, to keep moving forward, to keep developing and growing my spirit...  But damn does it get hard, sometimes.  I've long felt like the study, the work, was pushing against the entropy of the universe to make something, and the work is hard.

Then again...  What if I get exactly what I want?  If I ascend to a higher level of being, if I take on a role of greater power and responsibility in the universe...  If I become a creator, rather than just a part of the whole, will it not grow more difficult?  I've asked other pagan friends about it, and I've gotten a variety of answers, mostly that taking a break from the work and not pushing yourself too hard is just as important as the work itself...  But then again they're RHPs, they've got Someone to keep them moving, and likely not goals quite so lofty as mine.

Perhaps that is the lesson this life is for learning.  Procrastination, laziness, apathy and depression have really been what hampered me for most of my life.  They've ruined several important opportunities, and conversely every time I've chosen to get up and do something, to push through and push forward, even though it hasn't always turned out well, it's turned out important.  So, I guess that's my first blog entry, my first major meditation, and maybe my real goal for this year, this life: To keep moving, to keep growing, to keep pushing against the uncreation of existence.

It's so easy to lie to yourself.  So easy to override the voice of your conscience and your better angels and tell yourself the story that you're keeping up and meeting all your obligations...  But then, is that enough?

I've been told over and over throughout my life that when a living thing stops growing, it dies.  Would this not also be true of the living soul?  Or is it a more unique challenge of having struck out on my own?  Of not having Someone to nurture my soul?  Of having chosen the longest and rockiest course I could think of, instead of being one of a group of friends on a journey home?

Does it matter?  Academically, yes, because that knowledge is important to me, as is all knowledge.  But emotionally and meaningfully?  No, it does not, should not.  It's not fair, it hurts, it's upsetting... and that means I'm still on the right path. 

That means I'm still Ash the Free man.